Eating Disorders Beginning
Untill last night I never thought about my past problems with food. I suppose when I was younger I had the binge eating disorder as in I ate for comfort but before that I was a picky eater most of my younger years of life, and even now .
As a child I was forced to eat certain foods that I didn't like including green beans and raviolis I ate burgers and pork up to when I was 6 year old. My father was always telling me it was "babe " " bambi" or "Nemo" . I didn't like the thought of that so I suppose I just stopped eating those meats and to this day I will only eat whole chicken .
That being ten years ago a year later we moved to New Mexico, where I suppose the binging started . When we moved my entire life changed I had went from happy girl already popular in elementary with plenty of friends doing cheering and dancing to the white girl that lived on an Indian reservation I was teased an made fun of that entire year I had had not one friend .
Every recess I crawled into one of the play ground crawling tubes and cried and when the bell rang I returned to class solumnly . Now home life wasn't much better that year, my father stayed home with my baby brother while my mom taught in the middle school. I had to do dishes every day and was told I couldn't eat until they were done, no problem right ? Wrong he cooked big meals often full of stuff I wouldn't touch plus he always cooked meat with sauces and all. This for a 7 year old involved relentless scrubbing untill 7- or 8 because he wanted it spotless . Then we would have dinner, I hardly ate any of it but he forced me to even that time I tried to throw it away he got it out of the trash and made me eat it .
Then after dinner I did my math homework I often made bad grades but I always asked for help. I vividly remember the day I almost cried during parent teacher conferences because I was being asked about my bad grades I stated, " I asked dad for help " they didn't believe me. I had insomnia that year I'm pretty sure I was deppressed too I cried several times a day I stayed up late because I couldn't sleep I remember thinking about my life as though it was a small black box with no windows only a small crack in the ceiling that sometimes a light potruded from . During have my life I was overweight I was chubby .
This is why I now belive I was a binger . Then we moved to Kansas I didn't really fit in either I didn't really have friends I co- existed I tried my hardest in school. Then we moved back to Oklahoma; this time a different school . I had my first best friend there well first since I was 4-5 we were like twins from second Grade till fourth grade . All of a sudden she hated me and still does to this day. I don't recall doing anything but for two more years I was alone again I found myself deppressed and alone I stopped eating I had swapped one disorder for another I was anorexic for two years I didn't eat much
I went from 180 to 120 in a few months through 5th and 6th grade I ate a carrot a day and drank lots of water. I just wasn't hungry. Then 7th-9th I began binging again going up to 170 in 9th I was molested on the bus on the way back from an FFA hockey game ( this was last spring) he used my hand he touched my breast I told him, I asked him to stop, but he didn't if we weren't on the bus I'm sure her would have raped me .
I'm sure you're woundering "why didn you call out ?!" simple answer, I froze I dazed out I blocked it I was scared. I am a virgin you know . At school on Monday people were saying I gave him oral and I didn't gossiping, spreading, talking me not being popular the boy that did it was I'm sure no one would believe my story I didn't tell I was scared after I girl I thought was my bes friend doubted me I attempted to take my life first by suffocating then by drinking too much water ( later I threw it all up and stayed him all week )the next day I ingested 2 NyQuil 2 Tylonal a day later 4 NyQuil 4 Tylonal then on the third day 24 tylonal I went to the hospital that night not telling them about the pills they told my parents I had a flu they had had me on morphine because I was shaking and throwing up bile every10 minutes I could hardly walk and I was clamp the next evening after having odd dreams I'm sure we're the product of all the acedeminiphen I had taken I told my mom what I did and she rushed me to the hospital now I'm Choctaw so we went to the Indian hospital and they transferred me to OKC children's hospital turns out my liver enzymes were a whopping 15000 as compared to normal 40-50 I almost had to go into the ICU and almost had to go on the organ list for a new liver I was in the hospital for a week, I was not upset about almost dieing at all I was in a state of nirvana I was waiting to die it didn't even phase me that I made my mom cry in fact I was am because my parents wouldn't go home and let me be alone for once I didn't need their help I chose to die. I didn't tell the phycological person that I was molested at the time it didn't occur to me that I had been molested . After that my body image changed an I had a voice in my head she said " you'll be fat if you eat that " I became obsessed with dieting I wanted to be thin I wanted controll all summer I struggled with food I ate and felt bad I was binging then this fall I went back to school a new school now, seeing all these pretty, skinny girls I felt fat and ugly I hated it , I slowly stopped eating I wanted controll, and this is where I am now, I I binge I purge and I have 3 days in a row 3 times in one week, this week. I can't stop I feel gross Ana is right people will like me more smaller right ? I always try to make others happy but I'm always alone, I just wish I had people in my life . All I have is ana and she is tryin to help me but everyone else says Ana is wrong... Why can't they understand. It isn't about being thin its about being Loved
